While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.
While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.
Whichever way you look at it, divorce means something went wrong. Two people who, for all the right or wrong reasons, had pledged themselves to stick together to provide a secure family base for their children, are now splitting up. It didn’t work out the way it was supposed to.
Divorce is always sad. That is why even the law gives time for the couple to think it over.
But, if it has happened or is going to happen, it is best to look ahead and not dwell on the past and dig old wounds. It will only make life more difficult, whereas you need all the positive energy to move on in life and make the best of a bad situation.
One thing is clear: No one wants to get divorced. But if, it happens or is going to happen, we should try to minimize its impact on all concerned, especially children.
And, the priority should be to make all efforts to minimize its impact on the kids. Here are some suggestions on how to do that:
1. Don’t get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.
If your relationship is struggling, for whatever reason, be honest about it and seek some help - either for yourself, or jointly as a couple. Do whatever it takes to re-kindle the love you once had.
Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to “stay together for the children”. Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.
2. Once you have taken the decision to go in for a divorce, go about it in grown-up manner and as far as possible try to separate amicably. Discuss it and agree that under the circumstances it is best to separate. Avoid lengthy court battles and custody disputes; they will drain you out emotionally and financially. Hurt feelings will become impediments in your efforts to move on with life. You can’t begin to imagine what impact it can have on the children.
3. You might think the other person is ‘evil’, but avoid speaking against him. Children don’t like to hear anything against their parents. You need to be grown-up and honest with your children. Talk to them and answer their questions as honestly and dispassionately as you can. You also need to reassure them that you will not leave them. Usually, that is a great fear in the minds of children.
4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.
5. Another very important aspect is to encourage your children to keep in touch with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. Encourage visits, phone calls and letters. Let your child get the love and attention of both parents despite your feelings.
6. However, be very careful that you don’t start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.
7. In case the other parent is really harmful or abusive, protect your child by all means, but make sure your opinion is not based on your prejudices.
8. If you have a choice, don’t go in for joint custody; it doesn’t work. The child feels torn between two homes. If the other parent is emotionally and financially strong, let him/her take custody of the child even though it rips you apart. And, take care of the parenting in your house and don’t dictate your rules on the other parent in their house.
9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.
10. Finally, take control of your life. Don’t dwell on old wounds. Think positive and live in the present. Try to make the future happy. You will come out stronger from the experience and you will give your children hope about human relationships, or they might fall into similar situations when they grow up.
Will your children suffer from your divorce? It all depends on how you handle it. But if you can maintain a calm, adult, relationship with your ex, so that you can talk sensibly about visiting times, school progress, etc, even if you can’t live together, then you children can do very well.
All you have to do is be a good parent to the best of your ability.
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